Should We Stay or Should We Go? Understanding Discernment Counseling
There is a specific kind of “stuck” that many couples experience. It’s the feeling of having one foot in the relationship and one foot out. You might feel like you’ve tried everything, or perhaps you feel so drained that you aren’t sure if you have the energy to try one more thing.
When one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship (the “leaning out” partner) and the other is desperate to save it (the “leaning in” partner), traditional couples therapy can sometimes feel like a tug-of-war. The “leaning in” partner wants to work on the marriage, while the “leaning out” partner feels pressured to fix something they aren’t sure they want to stay in.
At Relevant Connections, we offer a specialized path for couples in this exact spot: Discernment Counseling.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes both people are ready to work on the relationship, Discernment Counseling is a short-term process designed to help you decide what to do next. It isn’t about fixing the marriage today; it’s about gaining clarity and confidence in your decision about the future of your relationship. It is a “holding space” where you can look honestly at your options without the pressure of an immediate commitment to change.
The Three Paths
The goal of our sessions is to help you move toward one of three “paths”:
Path 1: The Status Quo. You decide to keep things as they are for now.
Path 2: Separation or Divorce. you decide that the relationship has reached its end, and we help you transition with as much clarity and peace as possible.
Path 3: A Six-Month Commitment. You agree to take divorce off the table for six months and put 100% effort into couples therapy to see if the relationship can be restored.
How the Process Works
Discernment Counseling is typically very brief—usually between one and five sessions. The structure is unique because, while you come in as a couple, I spend a significant amount of time talking to each of you individually.
For the “Leaning Out” Partner: This is a space where you can be honest about your doubts without feeling like the “bad guy.” We explore what has brought you to this point and what, if anything, would need to change for you to consider staying.
For the “Leaning In” Partner: This is a space to manage the anxiety and pain of the uncertainty. We focus on how you can show up as your best self during this crisis, regardless of the final outcome.
Why Discernment Counseling Helps
The greatest benefit of this process is that it stops the “pursue-withdraw” cycle that keeps so many couples in pain. It acknowledges the truth of where you both are.
Even if the relationship eventually ends, couples who go through discernment counseling often find they have a better understanding of what went wrong. This “clarity” is a gift—it helps you avoid carrying the same baggage into future relationships, and if you have children, it helps you co-parent from a place of resolution rather than reactivity.
Taking the First Step
If you are at a crossroads and “traditional therapy” feels like too big of a leap, discernment counseling might be the right fit for you. You don’t have to have all the answers today. You just have to be willing to look for them.
Are you ready to find clarity? Contact Relevant Connections in Frisco to learn more about how we support couples at the crossroads.